Limericks

Limericks

Old Mother Hubbard

Went to the cupboard

To get her poor dog a bone

When she got there

The cupboard was bare

So Rover gave her a bone

Of his own

There once was a young lady from Moritz

Who had humongous but well-shaped tits

She charged a nickel for tickle

A dime for a good-time

And, for an encore, she charged two-bits

There once was young knight named Dave

Who hid a dead dragon in a cave

There wasn’t much class

When he got a piece of ass

But think of the money her could save

In days of old when knights were bold

And toilet paper wasn’t invented

They wiped their ass

With leaves and grass

The way God had intended

There was a young man from La Grasse

Who had two balls make of brass

When he clanged them together

They played “Stormy Weather”

And lightening shot out of his ass

There was a young man from Kent

Who had a dick so long that it bent

In order to screw

He had to fold it in two

So, instead of cuming, he went

The following are by Annie Johnson

There once was a mathematician named Hall

Who had one hexahedronical ball

The cube of its weight

Times his pecker, plus 8

Equals his phone number; give him a call

There was a young lass named Llewelen

Whose breasts were as big as melons

Her tits were huge, it is true

But her cunt was gargantuan, too

Like the magnificent Straits of Magellan

There was a fat woman named Kroll

Whose wit was really quite droll

She went to a ball

Wearing nothing at all

And was mistaken for a Parker House Roll

There was a young woman named Hall

Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball

The dress caught on fire

And burnt her entire

Front page; sporting section and all

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The Circles

The Circles

There were two guys standing before a judge on minor drug charges.  Neither of them had a criminal history so he decided to give them a chance to redeem themselves.

He said, “What I want you to do is go out and see how many people you can talk out of using drugs.  If you can get someone to stop using drugs, I’ll drop the charges.”

So the guys left.

A few days later, they were back in court before the judge.

The judge said, “Well?  How did you guys do?”

The first guy said, “I talked three people out of using drugs, Your Honor.”

The judge said, “That’s good.  How did you manage that?

The guy took out a notebook and drew two circles: a tiny one and a big one.  He pointed to the big circle. “I told them that this big circle is their brain now.”  Then he pointed to the small circle and said, “Then I told them that this is their brain after they use drugs.  And that convinced them to stop using drugs.”

The judge said, “Well, that’s good.  Okay, you did what I asked so I’m dropping the charge against you.  You may leave.”

The guy left.

Then the judge looked at the second guy and said, “And how did you do, Sir?”

This guy said, “Well, Your Honor.  I got one hundred and six guys to stop using drugs.”

The judge was amazed.  He said, “My goodness.  How did you manage to get so many guys to stop using drugs?”

The guy also took out a notebook and drew two circles: a tiny one and a big one.  He pointed to the tiny circle and said, “I told them that this is your asshole now.”  Then he pointed to the large circle and said, “Then I told them that this is your asshole after you go to prison.”

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Holy Ghost

Holy Ghost

There was a priest who was giving a sermon on the Holy Ghost.  When he was finally finished, he looked up from his bible and said, “Is there anyone in this congregation who has had an experience with the Ghost?”

There was a long silence.

Finally, a farmer in the back row hesitantly got to his feet and raised his hand.

Joyfully, the priest said, “You, Sir, had an experience with the Ghost?”

The farmer looked around uncomfortably and began to sit back down.  He mumbled, “I’m sorry.  I thought you said goat.”

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The Bravest One

The Bravest One

There were three soldiers sitting at a table in a tavern in England during the WWII: an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Texan.  They were at a table, getting drunk and telling war stories.  Soon, the Englishman and the Frenchman began arguing about which one of them was the bravest. 

Suddenly, the Frenchman stood up, walked to the bar and told the barmaid, “Get a cleaver!”

The barmaid didn’t know what to expect so she got a cleaver and waited to see what the Frenchman planned on doing.

The Frenchman laid his index finger on the bar and said, “Chop it off!”

The barmaid was astounded.  “Chop it off,” she said.

The Frenchman said, “Yes.  Chop it off.”

So the barmaid shrugged and chopped the Frenchman’s finger off.

The Frenchman wrapped his finger in a hanky and strutted back to the table.  He said proudly, “See?  I’m the bravest one.”

The Englishman laughed and staggered to his feet.  He walked over and laid his arm one the bar.  Then he said, “Chop if off!”

The barmaid said, “Chop it off?”

The Englishman said, “Yes.  Chop it off.”

So the barmaid shrugged and chopped the Englishman’s arm off.

The Englishman took his belt off and used it as a tourniquet for his arm.  After staunching the flow of blood, he walked back to the table and proudly said, “Now, who’s the bravest one?  I am.”

The Texan laughed and got up.  Then he walked over to the bar and paused.  Finally, he dropped his pants and laid his cock on the bar.

The Frenchman and Englishman gasped.

The barmaid was horrified.  She said, “Chop it off?”

The Texan said, “Hell, no.  I ain’t no hero.  Suck if off!”

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An Irishman, a Jew and a Greek

An Irishman, a Jew and a Greek

There was an Irishman, a Jew and a Grecian who ended up before Saint Peter, who would determine whether or not they could enter Heaven.

Saint Peter looked at the Jew and said, “All you could ever think of is money, money, money, and avarice is a sin.  However, you may be able to redeem yourself.  I’m going to send you back and, if you can go for one day without thinking about money, I’ll let you into Heaven.”

He looked at the Irishman and said, “And you.  All you can think of is drinking alcoholic beverages and getting drunk, and intemperance is a sin.  However, you may be able to redeem yourself.  I’m going to send you back down and, if you can go for one day without thinking about having as drink, I’ll let you into Heaven.”

He looked at the Greek and said, “And you.  All you can think about is sex, sex, sex, and sodomy is a sin.  However, you may be able of redeem yourself.  I’m going to send you back and, if you can go for one day without even thinking about sex. I’ll let you into Heaven.”

And with that, he sent all three back to down to Earth and, as it happened, all three ended up together on a street corner in Cleveland. 

As they began walking along the sidewalk, the Irishman noticed a tavern across the street with a sign in its window that advertised green beer for a nickel all day.  I dawned on him that it was Saint Patrick’s day.  He thought to himself, “Well, I can’t pass up a deal like that.  After all, it’s Saint Pat’s day.  Just this one last time.” 

So he walked across the street to the tavern.  But as he got to the door, pooof, he went straight to hell.

The Jew and the Greek continued down the street, determined not to meet the same fate as the Irishman.

But as they walked along, the Jew happened to see a dollar bill lying in the gutter.  He tried to ignore it, but then he figured, “It’s just a dollar.  No big deal.  No one would hold that against me.”  So he bent over to pick up the dollar.

And pooof the Greek went straight to hell.

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The Liqueur Store

The Liqueur Store

There was this married couple who drove into the city to get buy a bottle of liqueur.  But when they got to the liqueur store, they couldn’t find a place to park.  So the man told his wife to go on in while he circled the block or found a parking spot.  He dropped her off in front of the store and continued down the street.  He couldn’t find a spot as he drove around and around the block.  After a while, he began to wonder why it was taking his wife so long to buy the liqueur. 

Finally, after about twenty minutes, he found a parking spot and hurried back to the liqueur store.  When he went inside, he looked around, but he couldn’t see anyone, not even his wife.  Then he saw a curtained doorway at the back of the store and went over to look inside.

He couldn’t believe his eyes.  His wife was on a table with her legs spread apart, and a man was licking her pussy.  He ran out of the store and flagged down a police car.  Then he led the police officers back to the liqueur store and took them to the back room.  The man was still licking his wife.

He said, “See there.  That man is licking my wife.  Arrest him!”

But the police officers just stood there.

The man yelled, “Why don’t you arrest him?  He’s licking my wife.”

Finally, one of the police officers said, “I’m sorry, Sir.  But I’m afraid we can’t arrest him.”

The man was irate.  “Why the hell not?  That’s my wife he’s licking.”

The other police officer said, “Yes.  But we can’t arrest him because he has a licker license.”

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Farm Animals

Farm Animals

There was a travelling salesman who came to this small, rundown town and, looking around, he couldn’t see any women.  But there did seem to be a lot of farm animals roaming the streets.  Weary from being on the road so long, he stopped in at the town’s only saloon. 

When he got to the bar, he ordered a drink.  When the bartender brought the drink, the salesman said, “I’m been on the road for weeks and I’m tired, depressed and horny as the Dickens.  Are there any women in town who can satisfy my needs?”

The bartender said, “Nope.  We don’t have any women in town at all.  Sorry.”

The travelling salesman let out a heavy sign and downed his drink.

The bartender could see that the guy was in bad shape so he said, “We don’t have any women, but as you may have notice, we have a lot of farm animals roaming around.  Whenever a man has the need, all he has to do is find him one of the animals.”

The salesman was aghast.  “An animal!  Hell, no, I couldn’t do something like that!”  He paid for the drink and left the tavern in a huff.

About ten minutes later, the bartender’s shift was over so he headed for home.  But as he passed an alleyway, he saw the salesman having sex with a pig.  He began yelling, “No!  No!  No!” and waving his arms in the air. 

The travelling salesman looked at him and said, “I thought you said I could make love to one of the farm animals.”

The bartender yelled, “Yes, yes!  But not with that one.  That’s the Sheriff’s pig!”

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